VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
