I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
