just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He passed out mid-signature
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
