I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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