Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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