i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
