Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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