i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
