I saw his package. It spoke to me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
