Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
