I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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