I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
