On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
