Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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