i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
