Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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