two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
