I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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