so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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