I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
im on a boat
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