my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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