whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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