His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
