Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
