What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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