my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
