I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
