so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
