So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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