I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
