He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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