You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't turn off my feet"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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