i already hear my dad disowning me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
