Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
