He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
