My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
