I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
