I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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