I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just found a bag of teeth...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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