The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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