I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
