he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
