i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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