my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
