I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
