hell yes lets make some ravioli
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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