i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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