OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I will pee on everything he values.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
