I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
