Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
