I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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