then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Mom said you looked used
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
