ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
