I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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